orgasm

For these last few days leave me alone.

One of my favorite Tumblr followers asked a good question.  This question was related to my food journaling posts, as opposed to my startlingly, insightful ‘Trailer Park Boys’ posts.  I answered him privately but I’m going to go ahead and also answer it publicly in case anyone else was curious.

His question was:  What is your current physical shape?

Well, my current physical shape can be best described as gelatinous.  I had gained 60 pounds in a fairly short period of time when I took that vague-looking pic I use for my Tumblr profile.  I’ve gained another 80 pounds since then.  I’m a morbidly, obese mess.

If anyone is interested in getting a better idea of what I look like, I posted a couple of videos which can be found at the beginning of my archive.  They were made when I first created this Tumblr, also around the time I took that Tumblr pic.  I don’t foresee posting any other pics or videos anytime soon.  I’m just not in a good place with my appearance.

However, I hope you all are doing well.  I can see from my dash that many of you are.  This is a source of happiness and hope for me.

Less than 3 years ago, I was actually in excellent shape.  Before work, I’d run 4 miles in 30 minutes and would lift weights like a juice-head.  During the day I would only eat low-fat proteins, fruits, and other healthy crap… but I was always looking forward.  I was always looking forward to the binge.  I was never sure when it would take place or what the occasion would be, but I was also consciously counting down to it.  A deeper part of me was also counting down to when all my healthy ways would crumble into dust.  I knew it was coming.

Today I felt that similar anticipation for the binge.  I work from home on Wednesdays so it’s usually a test of will for me NOT to binge.  I completely waived that test today.  After I dropped my kid off at school, I swung by the always-sanitary Food Lion and picked up some pepper-jack cheese, roast beef, potato salad, FAMILY-SIZE tortilla chips, jalapeno ranch dip, and couple of bags of ‘fun-size’ Butterfingers and Baby Ruths.  In short, I had a 40 minute food orgy from 11am to 11:40:

• 2 cold-cut sandwiches with various cheeses, tomato, and potato bread
• big glob of potato salad
• 12 to 14 ‘fun-size’ Butterfingers/Baby Ruths

I never got around to the chips and dip; I’ll probably pounce on those after I write this.

Once again, there was no point this morning which I was hungry.  I just needed the junk.  I had to have the taste but I barely even remembered the taste minutes after the gorge.

I spent the next 4 hours completely bloated and uncomfortable.  I actually had to go see my psychiatrist at 12:40 and she, of course, had to put me right on the scale to see how I was doing.  Let’s just say I was DOING GREAT!!!!

Later in the evening, I was still not hungry but I sat down and ate a bit with the family:

• 2 small pieces of cheese pizza
• small amount of peas, carrots, and corn

My wife was probably impressed with my restraint.  I haven’t been sharing my recent food problems with her lately, but she knows I’m a binger.  She just doesn’t know when I do it, or maybe she does.  She probably does.

At least the Orioles are playing well.  Maybe Caps will eliminate the Bruins tonight.

“Tick-Tock goes the Shit-Clock, Ricky…”

I started out the day by skipping breakfast, which is an absolute EXCELLENT idea for a person with an eating disorder*.  Deep down, I knew it would give me license to eat like a hog at lunch.

Well, I didn’t make it too lunch.  I got the urge to eat something around 10:45am so I went down to the deli and got what I had for lunch yesterday: a Cajun chicken-salad wrap, a bag of chips (NOT FAMILY SIZE), and 2 chocolate bars.  The only difference from yesterday was that both chocolate bars were ‘King’ size today.

Keep in mind that I wasn’t hungry; I just felt like eating.  I don’t remember what being hungry feels like, so I jammed all that food in me for the Hell of it.  I’m pretty sure I devoured that wrap in about 4 bites; a normal person would have required at least 30.  I barely even remember the chocolate bars.

Around 2pm, I called in a crane and had my ass mercifully lifted from my straining office chair.  Since I was now upright, I went for a long, brisk walk around the harbor.  I can say with confidence that this actually qualified as exercise.

To celebrate my accomplishment, I swung by Chipotle for a football-sized, steak burrito and a bag of their chips.  I did exercise some restraint by not getting any guacamole, but believe me: I was not remotely hungry.  It was like I was anxious and didn’t know what to do besides eat.  I certainly didn’t feel like doing any work, EW!

So, I now sit here completely bloated.  Today has shaped up to be somewhat shitty… and the Earth still turns.

* Yeah, I’m not sure I consider binge-eating an eating disorder, either.

Just in case this hasn’t shown up on your dash enough times today…

This is an example of one of those rare instances where the cover eclipses the original.  I don’t even want to hear the NiN version anymore.

Flame away, Reznerds.

I’m pretty sure this actress is a shape-shifting alien*.  Somebody notify the armed forces.  We’re being invaded.

*a shape-shifting alien I’d like to have extra-terrestrial sex with

Why does a person do things that will ultimately bring on his or her demise?  This question rarely gets answered.  That person’s life usually just ends with his or her eventual and unnecessary demise. 

The answer to this question is different for every person, but there is an answer.  Every once in a while, somebody figures it out.  The reward is said to be a satisfying and extended life.  I guess that’s a good reward.

The only way I’m going to be able to answer this question is to examine myself everyday, maybe every hour.  Why did I do something today that might contribute to my destruction?  Why did I do something earlier that made me feel ashamed, or disgusted with myself, or embarrassed?  To answer the grand question, I’ll need to answer 5,000,000 tiny, shitty questions.

So what did I do today?

This morning, I ate the following for breakfast, purchased from McDonald’s:

• 2 Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Biscuits
• 2 Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddles

It’s hard to say why I ate this.  It was somewhat premeditated.  I had decided earlier in the morning that I wanted to eat something good for breakfast and this was the best I could come up with on my way to work.  I think I just wanted to feel good in general, if only for a little while.  Of course that didn’t actually happen, but I also didn’t quite feel the shame I would normally.  I knew I did something wrong, but I wasn’t super-depressed over it.  Is that progress?  I’m not sure.

Lunch wasn’t much better.  I had a Cajun, chicken-salad wrap, a bag of Doritos (NOT FAMILY SIZE), and two chocolate bars.  Lunch probably wouldn’t have been too bad minus the chocolate bars, but I felt the need to have them.  They were tasty, but I can’t really say I enjoyed them.  I more or less just went through the motions of eating them, right down to licking the chocolate off the Reese’s paper cups.  I may have felt some shame over that.

I really wasn’t hungry when I ate lunch, but it had been about 5 hours since I ate breakfast so it seemed like it was time.  The bottom line, if I wait 8 to 10 hours before I eat it will just mean I’ll binge harder later.  As for addressing why I ate what I ate for lunch, I really was just adhering to what has been my normal, poor routine for the last couple of years.  I simply didn’t have any motivation or drive to do anything different.

Boy, I really feel good now.  I think I’m cured.